Musings of a Gossip Queen: A Chick-Lit Comedy Read online

  “Sure thing,” Shayla says, pushing off her desk and rolling around in her chair until she’s next to me. “Alrighty then, Blake. I guess we’ll start with the basics, yeah?”

  “Okay,” I say.

  She opens the homepage of the magazine on my computer. “The first thing we usually do at the start of the day is check to see if any hot tips have been submitted by anyone. If they have, we usually either follow up with the submitter if they didn't provide any credible sources or proof or we check out any proof that they send in. You can see here,” she says, pointing to an envelope icon, “that we have twenty hot tips to check out. So if you're not having a lot of luck with getting content, you can always check the tip box.”

  “Got it,” I say.

  She takes me through the process of logging into my email and setting up my column space on the website.

  “What do you want to name your column?” she asks.

  “Um,” I start and then think. “I'm not really sure, actually.”

  “It doesn't have to be anything super fancy. For example, mine is ‘Shayla 411.’ Super simple,” she says. She makes everything seem so easy.

  I didn't know what would be a good column name. I mean this isn’t going to be just an ordinary Tumblr blog or something. This is a column for a magazine! Gah!

  Blake’s World? Boring.

  Down and Dirty with Blake? Sounds like I'd be dishing sex advice, not gossip.

  “As Told By Blake,” I finally say. Shayla nods.

  “Sounds legit,” she says as she types the name up. “As Told By Blake has been born.”

  Someone pop the champagne open! I’m an official gossip columnist now.

  Woot woot!

  12:04 p.m.

  Meeting room

  “Okay, so it seems like everything has been sent to the content editor and should be live shortly,” Madicunt explains to us as she paces in front of a white board. “With that out of the way, we should start thinking of ideas for more articles. What’s hot right now?”

  Isn’t the point of tabloids to write gossip as soon as the news break? How do you “plan” a gossip article? Perhaps this is what Taylor was talking about this morning. Not only is Madicunt a complete tart, she’s a simpleton who shouldn’t be the team leader.

  I raise my hand, but she shakes her head. “You just pay attention this round, new girl. You need to see how things are done first. We’re not some random Tumblr blog that teenagers read,” she says with a sarcastic smirk. I roll my eyes. My Tumblr blog is what got me here in the first place, so apparently the boss reads it. Ugh, what a bitch. I’d like to give her a swift cunt punt and see how she likes it. Maybe she’d stop being one.

  “Geez, Maddie, did someone put extra rude in your coffee this morning?” Leo asks with a dramatic sigh.

  Madicunt folded her arms across her chest. “I wouldn't know, Leo, because 90% of it was spilled on me before I could even taste it,” she snaps.

  I roll my eyes. Could she be any more dramatic?

  “Don't take it personal. She's literally bitching about something all the time,” Carrie Jo whispers in my ear.

  I'm sure she's probably right, but it doesn't lessen the urge I have to jump across the table and roundhouse kick her in the face.

  “So anyway, front page stories,” Madame Cuntbucket continues. “Any ideas?”

  After a few moments of silence, Shayla finally speaks. “I got nothing at the moment. Everything big is probably being covered right now already, which wouldn’t really help us on having the upper hand.”

  “True,” everyone else says in agreement.

  I clear my throat. “Um, what about getting an exclusive tell-all interview with Hannah Burgess? She’s still a buzzing hot topic right now, especially with her fresh out of rehab. Maybe we can get to her before anyone else does,” I suggest.

  Leo loudly clapped his hands together. “That’s genius. Let’s go with that.”

  “Not so fast, Leo,” Madicunt says, rolling her eyes. “You know how Gary is about the budget and paying celebrities for interviews—”

  “But you can’t deny that that story will get us a shitload of hits on the website. Pretty sure Gary won’t say no to that,” Caesar asks, his smooth voice seeming to soothe the seemingly building tension.

  Madison waved her hand in the air and focused her cunty eyes on me. “Well, new girl, you can ask Gary the Cheapskate since this was your brilliant idea. Let me know the look on his face when he says no,” she says.

  Challenge accepted, cuntbag.

  1:45 p.m.

  Hallway

  “Okay, Blake, you’ve got this. Just go in there and tell him how this can be a good opportunity. Sell it to him,” I whisper to myself as I make my way to Gary’s office. Well, granted that I can find it. Probably should’ve asked for directions before I left my desk.

  1:52 p.m.

  Gary’s office

  After walking back and forth down the hallway trying to locate his office, I finally find it and knock on the door.

  “Yeah,” he answers on the other side. I take a deep breath and let it out. I got this. Show that cuntbag that you belong here. I open the door and peek inside.

  “Hi, do you have a minute?” I ask.

  “Yeah, yeah, come on in, Spencer,” he says, waving me in with one hand and shoving stray pieces of lettuce from his Philly cheesesteak hoagie in his mouth with the other.

  I enter the office and close the door behind me, my palms becoming clammy as nerves take over. Now isn’t the time to be nervous. This is the perfect opportunity to prove myself to him as well as my new team and being nervous in front of him probably won’t help my case.

  “So we just had a team meeting and I came up with a story that could be a perfect front page headliner,” I started.

  “Go on,” he muffles around a bite of his sandwich.

  “I was thinking that we could do an exclusive video tell-all interview with Hannah Burgess. You guys have done plenty of articles about her being caught with drugs as well as her multiple DUIs. It could be a redemption for her of sorts, a way for her publicist team to possibly put her in a better light now that she’s out of rehab and that’ll be more and website hits for us. Win-win all around,” I explain, clasping my hands together in front of me in hopes that it would keep the nerves at bay.

  Gary had stopped chewing the moment I stopped talking. Since I don’t know him, I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing when he stops eating, but either way, it’s making me anxious.

  He suddenly slaps his hand against his desk and points at me. “That’s fucking genius, Spencer. Let’s do it. Get her people on the phone and see what numbers they’re talking about and then get back with me,” he said, taking another bite of his hoagie. “This is going to be the ultimate ‘fuck you’ to Craig over at Gossip Daily. We’ll see who the loser is when the next issue comes out!”

  Whoa. Didn’t think this was going to turn into a rivalry of the tabloids, but whatevs. Gary opens a drawer in his desk and pulls out a rolodex. “Look up her publicist info online and then find his info in the rolodex. Contact him about this ASAP,” he says, specks of bread flying out of his mouth. Yuck.

  “Yes, sir,” I say, grabbing the rolodex and leaving his office.

  A huge grin crosses my face as I stroll back to the office space. I can’t believe it. I just got the green light on a story that could possibly be massive for the magazine if done right and on my first day at that! Ha! Take that, Madison, you cunt!

  Blake - 1, Madicunt - 0

  3:15 p.m.

  Hiding in a bathroom stall

  Dear 6 pound 7 ounce baby Jesus, please keep me sane while I survive the last couple of hours. I like my other co-workers— especially Silas, you did a good job with him— but Madison is driving me mad. All over stupid coffee. I’ll be forever grateful if you’d allow me to last until the end of the day. Or if you banish her to another dimension. You know, whatever is more convenient for you. Amen.

&n
bsp; 3:16 p.m.

  Still in the bathroom stall

  One more thing, baby Jesus. Could you perhaps get Silas to notice me? That’ll be great, thanks.

  3:17 p.m.

  Hallway

  Apparently today must be notorious for bumping into people. As soon as I step out of the bathroom and into the hallway, I collide straight into Silas as he’s passing. This isn’t what I had in mind when I wanted him to notice me, baby Jesus!

  “God, I’m sorry,” I say, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

  He gives me a nonchalant shrug. “It’s cool, no worries,” he says and continues walking. I exhale deeply. That was…awkward.

  Thanks a lot, baby Jesus.

  3:57 p.m.

  My desk

  Everyone’s eyes are on me as I walk back to my desk. Although I want to leave them in suspense, I can’t help the cheesy grin that stretches across my lips as I sit down.

  “Well?” Carrie Jo asks. “What did he say?”

  “Yeah, give us the deets,” Shayla adds, leaning forward on her elbows.

  “Yeah, tell us exactly how Gary told you that we can’t fit exclusive interviews into our budget,” Madicunt quipped with a smirk.

  “Actually, he said it was ‘fucking genius’ and that we should do it,” I mention, returning her smirk. “He also said something about it being the ultimate fuck you to Gossip Daily. That doesn’t sound like a no to me.”

  Leo snickers. “I swear I think Gary has a major hard on for one upping Craig with everything ever since their falling out,” he says.

  “What happened with them?” I ask.

  “Craig used to own Hot Topic with Gary when it was first started. Apparently some things went bad between them and Craig left and created Gossip Daily, which always seems to have better content than we do,” Shayla explains.

  Well, that explains the hostility.

  “I must say, Blake, you sure have made quite the impression on your first day. Who knows, you may turn this place around and become the new creative leader,” Caesar says from his computer. I smile, but catch Thundercunt scowling at me from her desk across the room. I wish she’d get over herself.

  4:55 p.m.

  My desk

  Freedom is so close I can taste it! Thankfully Madicunt has already left or she has at least disappeared and has hopefully fallen into a sewer drain.

  “Hey there, Spencer! How was your first day? Get the contact info for Burgess’s publicist?” Gary asks as he moves over to me.

  I think over the events of the day. Aside from Cuntface being on my back about one thing or another, today was pretty awesome. Although I absolutely hate Madison, I refuse to be the office tattletale.

  “Everything has been great. I’m really excited to be here, so thank you again for the opportunity,” I say.

  He nods. “We’re glad to have you. I’m not sure if they’ve told you about the homework assignment, but be sure to always check the Internet for the latest gossip. Scandalous photos, Twitter fights, Instagram drama, you get the gist. You’ve done this on your own blog, so I’m sure you know what you’re doing. Also work on scoring that interview.”

  “Will do, sir,” I say.

  He looks down at the rolodex sitting on my desk. “Did you get the information you needed out of here?” he asks.

  “I did.”

  “Good,” he says and as he picks it up. “Well, I’ll see you all tomorrow. Good work today, Spencer. Keep me updated on the progress.”

  “I will, thanks,” I say with a parting wave as he walks away.

  Shayla plops down in an office chair and rolls over to where I sit. “You rocked your first day, girl. Getting approved for a headline story is freaking awesome. It’s going to be great for the magazine.”

  “I sure hope so.” I sigh. “An interesting story would at least take my mind off of our ‘team leader’ and her bs,” I say, frowning.

  Shayla look around before leaning in closer to me. “You know what I think?” I raise an eyebrow. “I think she sees you as a threat.”

  “A threat? Because I accidentally bumped into her and made her spill coffee on herself?”

  “No, a threat to her in regards to Silas,” Shayla says.

  So does that mean they aren’t together? Or are they together, but not super serious? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

  I toss my hair over my shoulder, glancing at the clock once again. 4:57? How has only two minutes passed? GOD DAMN IT!

  “I don’t know why she would be worried about that,” I say, trying to sound nonchalant as I log out of my computer.

  Shayla smirks at me and nudges me in my side. “I saw the way you looked at him when he came over to introduce himself. Can’t deny that he’s a cutie.”

  Uh, he’s more than cute. He’s a sex bomb!

  “Oh, you mean like the way you look at the guy with all the hair?” I counter. “I saw the way you looked when I touched his hair.”

  “Oh please,” she says, waving me off. “It’s nothing like that. I have a boyfriend anyway.” She looks at the gold watch on her wrist. “It’s time to get out of here. Want to walk out together?”

  She doesn’t have to ask me twice. I’ve had enough of Madison for the day.

  5:04 p.m.

  The hallway

  I walk out of our office room and make my way down the hall, pausing when I heard Cuntbag snapping at someone.

  “What is your problem with her? She’s new, Maddie,” the silky smooth voice says. Silas.

  “I don’t care if she’s new. She isn’t going to come in here and ruin what I’ve worked so hard to build. She thinks she’s so great because she has a popular blog on some mediocre blogging site and thinks she’s qualified to be here and Gary let her—”

  “Apparently Gary saw something that made her qualified. You know he doesn’t just hire anyone.”

  “I wouldn’t be surprised if she sucked her way onto the payroll,” she mentions.

  That fucking bitch.

  “I think you should just give her a chance. This morning was an honest mistake and you’re starting to be a bit irrational.”

  “And I saw the way she looked at you, like you’re a piece of meat or something-”

  “Don’t compare me to that,” he says, his tone firm.

  She exhales loudly. “You get the point, Silas. All I know is that she better stay away from what’s mine. Gary may have brought her on, but I can make it to where she can get kicked off.”

  I swallow the lump in my throat. Does she really have that kind of power to do something like that?

  She really is a dead set cunt!

  I hear a chair scrape across the floor. “Not everyone that comes through the door is competition. You do this every time there’s a new columnist that happens to be a woman. You may want to get over yourself, dude.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure you wouldn’t be saying that if she was a photographer that was threatening your place in the magazine,” she snapped.

  “No one is trying to take anyone’s place. So what if she had a great idea? We’re all a team; you’re the one making it an ‘us vs. them’ thing. Just give it a rest already.”

  I rush down the hall and dart into the break room just as Silas open the door to the meeting room he and Madicunt occupied. My heart pounds in my chest as I yank the fridge door open and locate my lunch bag.

  “Oh, I didn’t know you were in here,” he says when he walks in, moving over to the coffeepot and dumping the cold remains in the sink.

  I lift my bag. “Yeah, I just needed to grab this before I left,” I say with a nervous giggle.

  He nods and pushes the sleeves of his sweatshirt up his forearms. I stand there awkwardly for a few moments before clearing my throat. “I, um, I guess I should get going,” I say.

  “Okay, see ya, Blake.”

  I almost melt into a puddle of goo. He remembers my name!

  Take that, you jealous twat.

  9:52 p.m.

  In my bed

&
nbsp; Blake Unfiltered blog post #784

  Things I learned during my first day of work

  1) I fucking hate Madison. She’s the biggest cunt I’ve ever met. She may as well change her name to Madicunt while she’s at it. Who knew that all it took was to accidentally make someone spill coffee on themself to make them hate you for eternity? I don’t even think it was about the coffee, to be honest. She’s just determined to let her cunt flag fly and be a dead set cunt for no reason. Cunty McCuntface. God, I hate her.

  2) Silas is a complete sex bomb. He’s so intense and a man of few words, which makes him so mysterious. His voice comes out like silk and his smile is gorgeous enough to make any respectable woman melt into a puddle. Well, obviously not Madicunt because she isn’t human. She’s more like a mutant freakazoid who doesn’t even deserve him. Why is he even friends with her? He’s too good for her anyway.

  3) Shayla, Carrie Jo, Leo, and Caesar are the coolest co-workers ever. Kevin gives me the heebie jeebies with his leering eyes and weird comments. How in the actual fuck does he still have a job if he says those kinds of things? Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s sucking Bossman off. That would be totes weird though. Bossman is pretty cool and funny. Doesn’t seem like the type to accept oral from the office creep.

  4) It’s bad enough that Madicunt already hates my guts for whatever reason, but it sucks major giraffe dick that she’s also my creative team leader. So not only do I have to worry about Cunt Queen giving me issues around the office, she also gets to boss me around and attempt to sabotage my work by vetoing my ideas. Have I mentioned I hated her?